


We're a Little Too Fucked Up to Stay Still

by okkaykate



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, M/M, Strangers to Lovers, Volleyball
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-17
Updated: 2019-07-17
Packaged: 2020-06-25 01:00:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,962
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19735186
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/okkaykate/pseuds/okkaykate
Summary: Nervous and passionate university freshman Jung Jaehyun joins the school volleyball team with one goal in his mind. Through his struggles he encounters someone who might make his struggles a little bit easier while also challenging him. Jaehyun also discovers someone who feels the same way about him.“You’re alright.” He heard Yuta call. Jaehyun glanced up to him slowly and gave a fragile smile. His eyes searched and asked. Yuta answered. “Go again.”





	We're a Little Too Fucked Up to Stay Still

**Author's Note:**

> I’ve worked on this fic for quite a while and I personally feel like I pushed from what I usually produce. I hope this can be enjoyable and worth all of your time even if there are some mistakes. This is a little different from what was originally entailed but I hope it can still be enjoyable as I spent a lot of time on it! Thank you and read on!
> 
> No real warning but there are slight mentions of alcohol so if that in any way makes you uncomfortable please refrain from reading this!

Shaky and fast feet ran across the barren and cracked cement pathways. He’d already almost stumbled over himself numerous times on his venture to the boys locker room. He was just relieved he found his way this quickly, but sweat already rolled down his sides mercilessly.

The time was still very early. His bag full of his personal equipment dragged from his shoulders heavily. Though he felt a bit tense, he was already dressed for his sport. He only needed to change his shoes. Still, finding the locker room and entering it gave him some comfort of privacy and air.

The hall of the locker room was still a bit warm, alike the fading summer heat, but it still gave him some relief nevertheless. The aspirating volleyball player shook the sweat off his hands uselessly, taking a deep breath and stretching his neck to calm his nerves as he sat on one of the benches that was laid out in the middle of a locker section.

Jaehyun quickly slipped off his old slides and put on his agile volleyball ones instead. He then placed everything of his into an open locker at the edge of the section, locking up his things with the simple red lock he’d had for a while. He wondered if this was overkill, but the security made him feel better. The only objects he left out was the clothing on his body and his large water bottle at his side. The code to his lock was simple and even written on the bottom though he was sure it’d never be forgotten: 021497.

At his own surveying, he noticed other bags and sports equipment. Having seen the humongous amount of soccer boys earlier out on the field on his way over, he knew there was an unlikely chance that these items belonged to those who were to become his teammates, especially being so early, but his skin still buzzed with excitement and curiosity.

He began to stretch a little hastily while making his way out of the locker room. It was decently early in the morning, so Jaehyun assumed the volleyball team was the first group to use the gym if there were even any after them. He merely peeked out of the locker room door and was somewhat relieved at the presence of well, no one, but he assumed sitting out there would only be a bit boring and useless as the net still needed to be set up so he couldn’t even practice his jumps or anything relative to the net. He sneaked back into the locker room, opening up his locker again and taking out his own simple volleyball he always practiced with.

It was a bit dirty and tattered, but it was a warrior and a perfect ball. Jaehyun locked his items up for security once more and finally slid out into the gym floor. The lights kinked on and Jaehyun took a deep breath. He put his water bottle on the side of the court. He took to the volleyball lines to warm up his form just a bit. Otherwise he got nervous, and when he was nervous he’d end up giving jagged passes and serves. 

He took a few steps from behind the line and imagined the net. The rest fell into place with his imaginations. He saw his nameless and faceless teammates with only a reassuring smile and competitors that were waiting for him, for his serve. His legs were a little unstable for a moment, but after a breath he regained his center and threw the ball up. It was high and unrelenting in it’s ascent. This was where he lost his breath. This was where everything fell around him and it was only him and the ball. It looked so beautiful and his heart pounded and wondered if he’d thrown it too high, or if his timing was off. He felt imaginary eyes and breathing down his neck. But he knew his own worries too well. This always happened, and he just had to risk his worries. He had to be confident. This was the perfect throw, this would be a strong and wide hit. He had to believe.

Then he was just flying for a mere moment. His body reacted.

The wind flew to him, and his hair lifted. It all became him, and with an open mouth he swung over. 

His gaze quickly followed the ball after his landing, his eyes flashing around. There was of course no one to receive his ball, but instinctively he was already positioned to receive an imaginary incoming pass back. He dropped his arms from the bump position as the ball hit the floor. It was very close to the line, maybe even on it, but it was still in. Either way it was still in. It lightly bounced off the wall once it rolled all the way to the other end.

A grin snuck to his lips with another big breath. His blood pulsed through his veins as his hand relished in the feeling of the hard impact of the ball on his palm. He spent a moment just breathing before chasing after his ball, suddenly feeling a bit skittish again, tail between his legs.

He grabbed the fallen ball and just pressed his grip against it and felt it. He decided he should warm up the most basic skills if anything. Serving was important, yes, but he doubted he would be the best and maybe he wouldn’t even get to serve much at all in the long run. He was made to aid. His function was to get it to the setter no matter what, and to do so efficiently, maybe sometimes he would spike too. He was a rather defensive player.

Jaehyun turned towards the wall and threw the ball up against it. He bumped it back up against the wall over and over until there was a sound of a click and a plop. Distracted and discombobulated, Jaehyun quickly moved out of his form, moving his hands up to block himself from the ball that would come back down from the wall, to turn his head to meet a color of soft light from afar. 

The ball hit at his legs, bouncing right back again. At the decent, Jaehyun quickly grabbed his ball and merrily made his way over. He was already shaking a bit. His throat tensed as he approached the person who entered and hadn’t even looked much in Jaehyun’s direction. “Um, hello.”

There was a blink, as if he hadn’t heard him. The man was taking off his slides and putting on his knee pads. He needed to cut his hair, his dirty blonde bangs were too long Jaehyun found himself noticing. “Oh.” The man began, and looked Jaehyun up and down. He abandoned his knee pads at his ankle in an instant and stood straight up with a blindingly bright smile. “Are you new?”

Jaehyun, in return scrambled, fingers tapping against the ball for comfort. “I mean, yes, I’m a freshman.” His voice was awkward and quiet. Luckily, the other was everything but, so Jaehyun was thankful someone could fill the silence.

“Wonderful! I’m Yuta. I’m one of the team captains. I’m a junior here.” His eyes twinkled and at a wider look, Jaehyun wondered how this man, smaller than him, was broader than him. Jaehyun’s muscles were smooth, but every angle of Yuta was sharp, while his smile was all just soft. Jaehyun could say he was intimidated.

A captain and a junior, that meant he was probably a starter and he was great enough to be a captain even after two years. Jaehyun wanted to bow and beg him to teach him his ways, even after not even seeing him take one serve. Yuta looked at him earnestly, and Jaehyun remembered himself. “Oh, yes, I’m Jaehyun, a freshman.”

He’d already told Yuta he was a freshman, luckily Yuta didn’t comment on it. “Nice to meet you. Since we’re both here early, do you wanna help me get the balls and set up the net?”

Jaehyun nodded quickly, putting his personal ball down. “Yes, yes, of course.” Yuta smiled. “Wait, wait, don’t you wanna put on your shoes first?”

Yuta blinked before shaking his head. “No, it’s alright. We have time, and I promise it’s not as disgusting in the closet as you think it is.” The man laughed and Jaehyun sighed of relief. “Especially since I have some early help today from you we can get ready really quickly.” Jaehyun nodded slowly, following him to the closet.

Yuta moved the balls out of the closet with a swift push and Jaehyun watched in awe for a moment until he realized that he should have been helping. He quickly grabbed one side of the volleyball cart and guided their way out of the closet door, with Yuta’s help in the positioning and strength.

They made it to the center of the gym and Yuta kicked open the cover for one of the poles. Jaehyun lifted up the correct pole with all his strength, twisting it upright from its horizontal position. Yuta seemed a bit surprised and lightly gripped onto the edges before pushing the pole into the floor. They did the same on the other side, setting up the net in a flash.

“Hey, Jaehyun, right? Can you just push in the knobs up there for me? I usually get a chair and all, or jump, but—“ Jaehyun hummed and was by Yuta in a moment.

“These? Oh, yeah. I got it.” Jaehyun pushed in the final knobs and then took a few steps back, checking the net’s posture.

“Thanks,” Yuta pulled on the net a little, letting it snap back into place. “I think it’s good.”

Jaehyun wasn’t sure what to say for a moment and merely nodded. “Yeah, I think so too.”

“Do you wanna serve back and forth a little before the rest get here?” Jaehyun nodded softly with a small smile, dimples and all. “Just a moment.” Yuta stated before slipping across the floor back to his things, moving his pads into place and lacing on his shoes, then returning. He gave Jaehyun one of the balls from the cart and went to the other side of the net. “Just a little one versus one kind of volley back and forth? You serve I’ll receive it, you receive back, if you want you can block or spike anything too. Two hits max per side. Sound good?” Can’t we just pepper? Jaehyun begged in his head, but he truly did want to serve although he wasn’t sure of his skills. Even if he got outplayed to the max at least this was some sort of practice, and he needed to push himself.

“Alright.” Was all he said as he stepped back. The two’s tactics were mysteries to each other. They were both unpredictable. They could guess by physicality or personality, but were their assumptions correct? Jaehyun tried not to worry. He put all his worries aside again, and he just did. He just served and ascended until the only opponent was himself. He stared at the ball down, and he shot.

The direction was a little wonky, but it was over the net, and then it went over again. Received, right up, straight up. He’s gonna spike. Two hits. Jaehyun tried to rationalize. He could just run up and block it, but Yuta was experienced, he could probably spike wherever he wanted and Jaehyun knew his timing would be off. Yuta could avoid the block, and Jaehyun was just one person, so Jaehyun stayed back a bit. It was always better to be farther back than too far in. Then his eyes widened as he watched and his hands lurched. His body nearly fell forward in earnest, but his legs didn’t move, malfunctioning.

And then it dropped. The ball dropped right at the edge on his side of the net and it was all a fluke. Instead of a spike, Yuta had just lightly tapped the ball onto Jaehyun’s side of the court. Jaehyun should have remembered he was on his own, he had to cover the whole court and that there were tricksters like this. And yes, he should have expected everything, but this was a shock to him. Only one serve in and he had already lost. On nothing. He didn’t even lay a finger on the ball. At least no matter how hard anyone spiked he could take it, but then his pride and his mind were just hurt. He was outsmarted. But he couldn’t be mad about it. Yuta was more experienced and Jaehyun assumed, but Jaehyun knew next time he wouldn’t let it happen. He knew players fell into habit and what they practice, they play. He could expect this next time, he could, right?

The ball bounced a bit more and Jaehyun glanced at Yuta after picking up the ball to reach it out to him, to see Yuta serve this time. Yuta was just grinning and shook his hair out of his eyes. Jaehyun smiled in response, Yuta knew he was sneaky. “Your turn.” Yuta nodded.

“Get ready,” There was a prolonged pause as Yuta stood for a moment, thinking.. “Jae? Does that work?”

Jaehyun hummed, confused. “What?”

“What should your nickname be?” Yuta asked with a smile.

Jaehyun blinked and he looked off at the ground. “I-I don’t know. I mean Jae works? I’ve never really been called that before though so I don’t know if I’ll really respond every time.”

“I’ll figure it out. It’ll come to me.” Yuta insisted and walked to the line.

Jaehyun breathed and set himself up in the center, in a ready position. Yuta’s serve was broad and long, powerful. He anticipated the serve and he loved how fast it was, but then it faltered in the air. Floater.

He gulped and dashed after it, his elbows suffering the burn. Once he hit it, It was still up enough for him to do something, but it was hardly good enough for a spike. It was too low for that. Jaehyun simply volleyed it over, letting the ball fall into Yuta’s side of the court.

Yuta tossed it up to himself, now this had to be a spike, but the angle would be hard, for both the attacker and the defender, but Jaehyun had learned not to doubt Yuta’s ability. Jaehyun had learned to stop the attack before it was even able to attack.

Jaehyun timed it as he ran up to block. He waited for the right moment. Only a moment after when Yuta’s motion was at no return Jaehyun jumped with his arms straight up. It was a loud slam, strong. The ball slammed into his forearm and then bounced back onto the court lying behind Yuta. Jaehyun had closed his eyes at the impact and dropped down in a kind of celebration, grinning.

Immediately Jaehyun grew more comfortable with the idea of this team, or at least with Yuta. He was all shaken out and he could focus on the game. They both had many capabilities and every action started the same anyway. Jaehyun had to be prepared for anything. His former coaches always said he thought too much, but he personally thought that was one of his more positive points.

With the largest cheeky smile, he reached out for the ball that Yuta retrieved. “My serve.” 

Yuta gave a small smile and tossed it over to Jaehyun who caught it easily and set up to serve. He wondered if his own serves were too easy, too predictable, but he decided to relax. This was just practice anyway. He’d be okay. Wait. This was tryouts, right? What if he messed up. What if he wasn’t allowed on the team for his lack of ability and talent.

Jaehyun went to throw the ball up and he felt it. He knew he was doubting himself too much. He hit the ball half-heartedly in fear and the ball hit the top of the net before falling back down on his side. He gave the deepest sigh and felt the frustration and sadness build up in himself. He breathed with his frown and already sensitive eyes.

“You’re alright.” He heard Yuta call. Jaehyun glanced up to him slowly and gave a fragile smile. His eyes searched and asked. Yuta answered. “Go again.” 

Jaehyun nodded quickly and his smile bloomed nervously. He grabbed the ball and set up once more. His arms had more weight to them and he relaxed his shoulders. The man threw it up and hit. In a moment it was over the net and fast. Yuta received it easily though, lest for the hard slam that echoed from the impact, and Jaehyun knew he had to serve even better. Serving wasn’t exactly his strong suit, but he thoroughly loved it.

Jaehyun stayed relatively two thirds to the back of the court and watched Yuta ascend. He had to be ready. Yuta spiked the ball with a long and strong stroke. It flew back to the right corner and Jaehyun lurched out, scraping the back of his forearm against the floor as his thighs and shoulder burned. Jaehyun curled his hand and got under the ball before it hit, but it only bounced a little up and to the left unevenly at the contact with his hand. It proceeded to fall out of bounds with Jaehyun being the last to touch it.

Jaehyun was no classy libero either.

“Close.” Jaehyun was still on the floor and could feel Yuta’s grin behind him before seeing him. He slowly turned to him and stood up easily. “Don’t worry too much, our libero is very talented.” Jaehyun wasn’t sure in what sense he was supposed to take that, but he did. Jaehyun only nodded.

“Good shot.” Jaehyun commented.

Yuta smiled and then glanced at the clock as Jaehyun picked the ball back up. “Everyone should be arriving soon, so lets rest and stretch a little more.” Yuta jogged over to his bag and grabbed a large water bottle from within it. 

Jaehyun put the ball away and returned to the side where Yuta was. Jaehyun simply glanced at him, not knowing what to do as his next course of action. Yuta turned to him in a split second and Jaehyun’s eyes widened at the eye contact. “Do you have water?”

Jaehyun nodded quickly. “Yes, yes, I do.” He said, picking his water up from the side.

“Drink some.” Jaehyun looked down and then at the water. He really didn’t drink much water. If he drank it during or before exercise he would feel the water in his stomach bouncing the whole time. It was unsettling. He took a small sip anyway to follow Yuta.

The door opened moments later and Jaehyun had to look up to see the man’s eyes. Woah, tall. Jaehyun knew he himself could be considered tall, but this man was taller. His hair was quite long too, his bangs covered his eyes. This team really needed haircuts it seemed.

“Hey!” Yuta exclaimed at the man with a grin. Jaehyun watched the altercation.

“Hi, how’s Econ going?”

“As good as it can be.” Yuta laughed a little.

The man’s eyes found Jaehyun and Jaehyun looked back. “Who’s this?”

Yuta turned toward Jaehyun and grinned wider. “Jaehyun. Freshman. I’d say he’s pretty good.” There was no malice in the comment and Jaehyun found himself thankful for a moment.

The bigger man slid over to Jaehyun and gave a small wave. “I’m Johnny. I don’t know why I’m not team captain, but treat me as one if you ever need anything. Just give me a shout and I’ll run over.” Jaehyun thought of all the English he knew at the english name, but could only think of ‘Yo!’ at the moment and promptly decided to stay silent.

Yuta scoffed. ”He will run over at any call.” Johnny laughed with the biggest grin. The room was so bright. There was a loud rumbling outside.

“Why the hell is it so bright out here? Damn.”

“I know you haven’t moved out of your room in over 9 months, but don’t blame the world for your sensitive retinas.”

“What the hell? Do you even know what retinas are?”

“Of course I do you idiot!”

“Then what are they?”

“Oh my god, you really are childish.”

“I’m older than you.” 

“By not even a month!”

Yuta’s ears perked up at the sounds and sighed. While Johnny grinned, listening. “Come on, now, what are they?” The conversation continued.

“Doyoung, shut it.”

The gym doors creaked open and in came a smaller man and one around Jaehyun’s own height as well with black hair. Jaehyun picked a bit at his nails and leaned back into the wall, shrinking.

Another man followed right after with neat light brown hair and soft eyes.

Around thirty seconds later, a little less than average height and handsome man came in quietly and put on his shoes diligently saying short greetings. Taeyong, by what he had heard Johnny shout, only gave Johnny a look as Johnny jumped on him.

Yuta said something to Taeyong quietly that Jaehyun couldn’t hear. Jaehyun guessed he wasn’t supposed to listen to other people’s conversations. Stranger’s conversations at that.

He knew no one. He shrunk further. 

Soon there was more giggling and laughter approaching. Jaehyun listened closely, but couldn’t decode what was being said. The door burst open once more. “Are you serious?” A man even taller than Johnny squeaked.

A solemn man nodded and another man simply giggled with a huge grin. They quickly looked at everyone else and grew silent before laughing again and getting ready. 

The tallest one looked the slightest bit familiar. He seemed to recognize Jaehyun and rode over to him with a bright smile. The height difference to Jaehyun was a little scary. “Hey, you’re in a lot of my classes, right?”

“I think so.” Jaehyun gave a small smile to calm his nerves. 

The man sighed in relief. “Great, because I really need help and it’s barely even the start of the year. I didn’t know you played volleyball. I’m Mingyu by the way.”

“Jaehyun.”

“Oh, right, and that’s Dokyeom and Minghao. They’re all freshman too.” Jaehyun nodded a little as Mingyu very vaguely gestured toward his buddies. Luckily, Mingyu was quick in conversation.

“I’ll see you in a bit.” He quickly turned back to his friends. “Hao, isn’t your friend coming?”

The one identified as Hao, Minghao it seemed, nodded, the solemn one. “What’s his name again?” Dokyeom, Jaehyun assumed, asked.

“Sicheng.”

“Huh, haven’t met him yet.” Dokyeom spoke, unsure.

“He’s very nice.” Minghao cut in.

Just then, another man around his height entered with dashing blonde hair and perfect looks, but an entirely blank expression. Jaehyun watched him carefully and connected the dots as Minghao said something quietly and waved. At who Jaehyun assumed was Sicheng. Speak the handsome devil and he shall come.

Jaehyun gulped and untied his shoes to tighten them more and then stretched a little bit more on his own. Yuta glanced at the clock again and tapped Taeyong’s shoulder, pointing to it. 

“Where’s Taeil?” The soft brown haired man, who he later found out was named Kun, questioned toward Taeyong and Yuta.

“He had to check that everyone's forms were updated before starting for coach. He said he’ll be a minute late and to start without him.” Yuta declared. The other man nodded.

“He’ll be back before we finish stretching. I guess introductions can wait until then.” Taeyong supposed.

The stretches were common. Jaehyun though still found his eyes lingering, unsure of where he fit in.

Soon enough, they were settled and Jaehyun introduced himself shakily. It was still tense for him. Everyone was just so bright and he was pale cardboard in comparison. Playing made him more comfortable though. He could focus. 

He already assumed everyone’s styles, figured out their categories and unique qualities. It was fun to find out. Jaehyun grinned as he received a fireball from a spiking Johnny, passing it to Taeyong, who then set up to Mingyu with ease on the left side. Mingyu, as Jaehyun had found out, was left handed, and it was quite the trick.

They scored and Jaehyun grinned in the small accomplishment. He must’ve seemed too dazed in the victory.

“Hey, Dimple!” He heard the call and immediately perked up with big eyes. He found Yuta with the ball in his hand, preparing to serve and looking at him. Jaehyun smiled brighter and got into position.

“Yu, you are aware that Kun has dimples too, right?” Ten rebutted at the nickname Yuta had given to Jaehyun.

“He does!” Yuta chuckled slowly. “But he’s Kunnie so—”

“Just serve the damn ball.” Doyoung groaned.

“Alright, alright.” Yuta calmed and then he did, and they played on.

*

Then it was all gone in a blur.

Jaehyun helped put away the net and balls, as they all did, and found himself quiet as the others conversed. Everyone slowly began to leave. Jaehyun would call the feeling he had then a kind of withdraw as his heart calmed. “Jaehyun,” He heard someone call and immediately turned. Yuta smiled to him with his phone outstretched. “Can I have your number?”

Jaehyun blinked, turning towards Yuta slowly. His breath was caught in his throat for a moment. “Yes, what for?” He ushered out, gently taking the phone.

“The groupchat.” Yuta said simply. Jaehyun nodded slowly, breaking eye contact to type in his information. He wondered whether to put his last name or not, but he also didn’t know how many Jaehyuns Yuta knew so he put it in anyway.

He handed the phone back and watched Yuta press the done button. “Don’t forget to get here a little early, like today, tomorrow, but you don’t have to come so early. Just a few minutes is good enough.”

Jaehyun nodded slowly. He was officially on the team. That was a relief. Jaehyun just nodded. “Thank you.” He spoke softly.

“Of course.” Yuta beamed and Jaehyun did too slowly, dimples and all. His nerves tingled in excitement. This was the beginning. Jaehyun just hoped he started it right.

*

Jaehyun forced himself to delay his arrival by just a few more minutes than last time, but some mix of anxiety and excitement still stirred in him. He waited for Yuta and the rest of the team to arrive. He slowly began to stretch on his own. He didn’t have the keys to the ball closet so he only sat earnestly.

The man played around with his own ball while sitting. His breaths seemed short as his heart sped. Yuta entered and dropped his bag immediately. Yuta didn’t see him yet. Jaehyun extended his legs out and looked over at him. For some reason, his voice shook. “Hey, Yuta.” Jaehyun said softly, shooting a small dimpled smile. 

Yuta took a moment to process before he smiled in return. “Hi, Jaehyun. Didn’t I tell you not to come so early?” His voice grew the slightest bit louder, but his smile remained.

Jaehyun looked off and gave a shy shrug. “I just felt like it.” He quickly put his own ball away and stood. They set up the net and took out the balls just like the day prior.

“Jaehyun,”

Said man perked up and followed Yuta’s pointing hand to the unlatched knobs at the top of the net. Jaehyun smiled and made his way over, easily reaching up and over Yuta to push them in.

They both retreated back to their bags. Jaehyun focused on keeping his shoes tied tight and stretching himself out. “Jaehyun,” His name, called again in the silence.

“Yes?”

Yuta took a moment to absorb Jaehyun’s eyes on him and then finally spit out what he meant to say. “Are you confused about any of the plays?”

Jaehyun looked to the court, scrolling through all the plays sucked into his brain the day before. “I think I’m good with them all. It might just take me a little while to adapt to them all.” He turned back to Yuta with a solid nod. 

Yuta nodded back to him. “You’ll get mixed in pretty quickly.” Yuta clicked his tongue while Jaehyun thought about the difference in skills and demeanor of him and Yuta. The freshman observed Yuta in admiration. Strong, swift, and stable. Amazing. A leader. Versatile. Jaehyun could only aspire to be such a perfect player and responsible man. Yuta still had his small minute flaws.

“Does—“ Jaehyun began, falling quiet.

“Hm?” Yuta blinked toward Jaehyun.

Jaehyun kept quiet for a few moments. “Doesn’t your hair get in your eyes when you play?”

Yuta narrowed his eyes for a moment, not expecting such a random question. “I sometimes put it in a headband, but I rarely notice it.”

“Oh,” Jaehyun nodded slowly as the clock ticked and he could hear the rumble approach.

The blinding smiles barged in and Jaehyun found himself settled with the other’s chipper happiness while some of the others also had grim expression, still not used to getting up so early. Jaehyun observed. They weren’t that large of a team, but everyone seemed to be knit together. Jaehyun didn’t include himself too much in conversation. He merely watched. He slowly began to know many of the small intricacies of each team member and was satisfied whenever what he had noticed would come to fruition. It was only the smallest of habits he noticed. Kun rubbed the bottom of his chin when he was focusing. Taeyong bit down on his nails and nodded very firmly whenever Coach told him anything. Taeil had bright and clear, shining eyes and usually a natural pouty expression. Doyoung scoffed when they scrimmaged in practice whenever Ten taunted him with a flashy save. Johnny adored the brightest smile whenever he blocked a spike. Minghao had a habit of bouncing his legs when waiting for the opponent’s attack. Mingyu always started with a specific set of bounces and the twirling of the ball before serving. Dokyeom would always tap his feet when he had nothing else to do with them. Yuta was explosive, and he would practically chug his water in between any break in practice. There was more, but Jaehyun couldn’t bother to list or recall them all.

Yuta went off to talk with Johnny and Jaehyun sat down against the back of the bleachers. He mindlessly stretched as he wondered for himself.

The practices passed by somewhat easily. Jaehyun always found himself quiet, but adorning big smiles at being mentioned or involved when scrimmaging. He found some accomplishment in himself, but his mind was still humbled and he knew he had to improve more. He worked more than he had to, and he wanted to work more. His muscles always stayed sore and sweat always rolled down his face as his eyes were sharp in focus. 

His studies became second-hand to him. He hurried back from class so he could improve his skills then go to practice and then practice more after doing some of his work. On Saturdays after morning practice Jaehyun would work with Mingyu on some of the concepts in their typical lessons and they would study anything they needed to. Mingyu was bright and simple. He would go off on tangents and giggle at the cheekiest of situations. Jaehyun would laugh and then make them focus again. Even if they didn’t study as much as they’d intended, Jaehyun found himself satisfied. 

Jaehyun didn’t really interact with anyone outside of practice and his study sessions with Mingyu. If the team had a night out (in which Kun commonly complained about the kind of foods they would all indulge themselves in), Jaehyun would stay for a little while until his teammates were too intoxicated or bloated to move. Jaehyun had a strong stomach and alcohol tolerance, so more often than not he would have to help carry some of them back to the dorms stealthily. 

The first game snuck up on them steadily. The freshman felt ready. He was capable. There was nothing to be worried about. They were a phenomenal team. They could soar and block and win together. Jaehyun lingered in the locker room before it was time to warm up prior to his game. Though he was confident and had no reason to feel nervous, his throat constricted against him and his limbs were stiff. He heard the creak of the locker room door open. “Jaehyun, are you in here?” The captain’s voice echoed. Jaehyun swallowed down his shakiness and bound his hands together.

“Yeah?” He shouted back quietly.

Yuta came out from the corner. Their white and dark blue uniform fit them both well. The only members who had any reason to slightly complain was really Ten, Johnny, and Mingyu. Ten’s shorts were a bit too long while the other’s shorts were just a little bit on the shorter side. Yuta had gotten his hair cut a week ago a little while after Jaehyun had commented it getting in his eyes. “You alright?” Jaehyun was disappointed in how easily his voice or appearance showed his hesitance. The student nodded. Yuta glanced at Jaehyun with soft eyes. “We have to start warming up.” Yuta stated blandly.

“Okay,” Jaehyun whispered out and grabbed his water from the locker room bench. He started to walk beside Yuta as they went out into the gym.

“Are you nervous?” Yuta asked him with a lifted voice.

“No.” Jaehyun assured him steadily with a fixed gaze in front of them.

“You’re a good player, Jaehyun. Don’t worry about anything. We all just need to work together and keep our heads in the game.” Captain indeed. Jaehyun nodded, fiddling with his fingers. He had to prove himself. He had to work and keep up with the graceous beasts beside him.

“Let’s do this.” He said lightly after a moment of thoughts.

Yuta smiled cheekily. “Let’s do this, Dimple.”

*

They won the full game. Adrenaline still pumped and Jaehyun felt refreshed somewhat, any worries washed off with sweat and his mentality built up with the encouragement of his teammates. He was relieved that he didn’t make too many mistakes, at least not big ones. The opponent was not the best but not the worst team they could’ve faced. Jaehyun still knew he had to break his own limits so he could improve. He didn’t think he could rest.

More games passed by and they all went fairly well even if the fights intensified. Jaehyun’s nerves rested slightly, hidden behind his own adrenaline and focus. Jaehyun only worked harder. He would rarely accept a break during practice and would be the first to arrive and the last to leave. He knew there was no where for volleyball after this. He accepted that a long long time ago. He wasn’t good enough or naturally talented enough for the big leagues after college. He dreamed for it, and he knew he shouldn’t give up on his dreams, but the reality was he was already too behind. He wasn’t ideal. He was typical, so his most productive thought was to be the best he could be for himself and for the team he had then. He loved volleyball, and he wanted to be decent at it, so why stop for anyone or anything.

Jaehyun fell ill a little past the first third of the season. He blamed the fall weather and didn’t even imagine it would be from his own doing. He just knew he was being cursed by something for not focusing as much in class, or for messing up the timing for his spikes so many times. He kept going to all his classes, all the practices, and all the games. He had no room for failure. Jaehyun wouldn’t forgive himself if Mingyu’s grade went down because Jaehyun couldn’t study with him for a Saturday. And he couldn’t afford to fall behind in Volleyball. He was just starting to see some development and see himself mix in better. 

He would spike and then go into a coughing fit, and he could barely call for the ball as his voice was scratchy. No one bothered him too much about it thankfully. Kun did ask him if he was alright after a particular intense relay of sneezes, but once Jaehyun told him it was just allergies, which wasn’t exactly true, Kun dropped it.

Taeil noticed too. After the second practice in a row of Jaehyun’s sickness, Taeil approached him once practice ended. Jaehyun at first couldn’t imagine it was about him being sick. He could only imagine being kicked off the team or told off for his inadequate skills. “If you’re sick you can take a break from practice. Rest. You can never play at your best when you’re sick anyways and you’ll only hurt yourself more.” 

Now Jaehyun wasn’t one to talk back, but he was determined to stay. He wasn’t gonna skip practice. If he didn’t practice for one whole day his skills would deteriorate to nothing. He couldn’t afford that. “I’ll think about it, Taeil. Thank you for your concern.” Was all he responded in a low and groggy voice as he looked down at the elder.

Taeil nodded and went off to collect his equipment. Jaehyun felt himself sweating more than usual, but goosebumps lined his skin. He tidied himself up before opening the door to leave the gym. The freshman was met with a strong gust of wind and cold air that made him quiver back from. He sighed and wrapped his arms around himself before finally starting to move outside.

“Dimple!” Jaehyun turned and Yuta chased beside him.

“Hello,” The man greeted the older with a scratchy voice and a sniffle. Jaehyun was still wearing his volleyball clothes, choosing to change at his dorm rather than in the gym.

Yuta had just layered his clothes over each other, only changing his shirt in the gym. He still had on his shorts, but he adorned a purple slightly oversized hoodie, a rather long coat, a scarf, and a cap. Jaehyun wondered how he was so energetic and cleaned up after playing so hard with them all for over two hours. “Are you drinking enough water?”

Jaehyun’s ears had easily gone red from the new fall chill, but his throat and head was burning and melting. His throat did feel dry. “I think so.” Whenever Jaehyun pushed himself really hard his throat would burn and he would get the most intense headache ever, but he only felt dizzy and hoarse this time and this practice was honestly more of a slow skill practice. He shouldn’t have felt so drained. He felt delirious. Jaehyun supposed he had to get in shape, ignoring the fact that he already had a slim and solid physique. 

“Are you cold?” Yuta asked, peering from under his cap and the hood of his purple hoodie, watching Jaehyun’s arm huddle around himself and him shiver in his sleeveless shirt.

“No.” Jaehyun said, taking smaller strides than usual, focusing on the sidewalk ahead with droopy eyes.

Yuta sighed and reached up the palm of his hand to the lower part of Jaehyun’s arm. Jaehyun barely felt Yuta’s hand near him as he was set in a daze. Yuta narrowed his eyebrows. “You actually feel really warm, hot even.”

“I usually run hot.”

“So do I.” Yuta pulled his own loose scarf down from his neck. “Here, Jae.” He said, reaching it out toward Jaehyun beside him. Jaehyun didn’t move and Yuta nudged him. “Jae, how much sleep did you get last night?”

Jaehyun blinked as Yuta slung the scar around him. His mind muddled with faint memories and the math but in the end he just ended up saying a number that seemed somewhat decent for him. “Six hours.”

“You need to sleep more—” Jaehyun didn’t bother to comment that six hours was usually a rather large amount of sleep by his standards. He probably only slept three last night truly. He couldn’t remember anything except not being able to sleep. Jaehyun sneezed before Yuta could continue. “And rest. Why don’t you take a break? You’re clearly under the weather.”

“I’m alright.” Jaehyun murmured and then proceeded to nearly trip over the sidewalk. Yuta luckily pulled him back a little to stop the faceplanting embarrassment.

“Okay, that’s it. You’re not coming to practice tomorrow, and I’m making sure you don’t go to any classes. You won’t remember anything anyway with the shape you’re in, come on.” 

“No, no. I’m fine!” Jaehyun protested, practically whining. He didn’t have the energy to raise his voice.

“No, you’re not. You’re sleep deprived, sick, probably sore and overworked both mentally and physically. You need a break.”

“I can deal with it. I’ll be okay.” Jaehyun whined.

Jaehyun didn’t realize that Yuta was walking him all the way to his dorm and didn’t break off to go to his own, but it didn’t matter much in the long run. Yuta had his phone out and was viciously texting somebody.

“I’m fine.” Jaehyun reiterated.

“You’re not going anywhere tomorrow.” Yuta stated, shaking his head.

“You can’t tell me what to do, Yuta.” Jaehyun grumbled. His head hurt so much, but at least there was a comforting grip on his arm and a warm scarf around his neck. Jaehyun opened his dorm room and was pushed down onto his bed, his bag being thrown off his shoulders, while Yuta retreated back into Jaehyun’s small kitchen set up. 

“Are you kidding me? You’re only a freshman and you already live off ramen and what is this? Scooby Snacks? Do you think this is healthy?”

Jaehyun really couldn’t focus on the lecture and lazily wrapped himself up in a cocoon of his covers, falling asleep in an instant.

Jaehyun was awoken to cold air and the smell of something alike a soup. He blinked and sat up.

“Lay back down, mister.” Yuta’s voice permeated his sleepy mind. Jaehyun groaned. “Take the medicine by your bed, the soup will be ready in a minute.”

Jaehyun did as he was told, flinching at how cold the water was down his throat. Once the soup was ready, Jaehyun went to get up, but was stopped as Yuta brought it to Jaehyun in his bed. “I’m not a baby.” Jaehyun whined, like a baby. 

“Just eat. Slowly.”

Jaehyun began and looked up at Yuta who only watched him. “Why didn’t you make yourself some?”

“I’m not the one who’s sick.”

“I’m not sick, Yu.”

Yuta shook his head. “Eat.”

*

Yuta left around nine, and Jaehyun couldn’t help but feel like a weak link and that he had wasted Yuta’s time and that he was already behind. He didn’t focus too much in class the previous morning, but he focused in volleyball up until Yuta had dragged him home. Jaehyun fell asleep at one after he caught up on all his school work he still had to do and studied proficiously to wish away his anxiety as well as showering to wash out his gloominess and the headache that still remained after.

Jaehyun still planned the next day as usual. Wake up at five, light jog, maybe practice or study a bit, go to classes, volleyball, homework and study, and shower. He still woke up at five and ate a granola bar. He got ready for his run and bounded outside. He preferred to run outside, but his skin was still burning and though the chill outside would sedate it, he would still feel like he was freezing. He hit the treadmill and tried to relax with the only sound being his heavy steps against the machine. The university gym opened at five, and low and behold Jaehyun was always the first and only one there. He forgot to bring water, but he supposed he’d survive.

He found something serene about being alone and watching the sun rise and feeling a burn in his limbs early in the morning. In the gym, he just felt restricted. There was no beautiful views, and he couldn’t naturally control his speed, the machine made sure he went so fast.

His first class was at seven and he aimed to finish the workout by six thirty as always and rinse himself off in the shower before heading to class. His roommates let him do whatever he wanted. Jaehyun took quick showers anyway, so it wasn’t a bother.

He had finished the first few fast miles and at around six he saw a flurry of dirty blonde pop out walking through the hall. Jaehyun had never seen him pass before, especially not at this time, and not even in this building other than yesterday.

Yuta must’ve heard the sound of the treadmill in the silent morning as he immediately looked to the gym and found Jaehyun. He narrowed his eyes. Jaehyun wondered if Yuta had bad eyesight. Soon a thoroughly disappointed man entered the gym and headed straight to Jaehyun. Jaehyun beamed a nervous smile as he kept running, out of breath. Yuta frowned and pulled the safety cord out of the treadmill, forcing it to a stop after a few moments. “What are you doing?”

“Running.” Jaehyun replied dumbly.

“You’re sick, you have no water, you’re up before dawn, and you’re running fast as hell. I bet you didn’t even eat anything and you probably didn’t even sleep at all. I told you. You’re not doing anything today.”

“Yu,” Jaehyun called with a frail voice, still catching his breath. “I’m alright, I do this everyday.”

“You look like you’re gonna faint, Jaehyun.” He deadpanned.

“That’s me everytime!” He tried to sound chipper.

“Come on.” Yuta said, without fear of being coated in sweat, he pulled Jaehyun by the arm out of the gym and back into his room. Jaehyun followed with his jelly legs. He felt sorry for contaminating Yuta’s beautiful green sweater with sweat. He realized he’d never really seen Yuta in such casual attire. It was nice.

“I’m okay, Yu. I’m okay.” Jaehyun murmured, leaning down on Yuta’s shoulder from behind and dropping his eyelids down. 

“You’re not.”

Yuta again forced Jaehyun into bed, turning on a fan and preparing more water and medicine for him. Apparently, Yuta had made more soup the night before, but he was just saving the rest of it so Jaehyun could have it again in the morning.

Jaehyun never expected Yuta to actually show up to force Jaehyun to take care of himself. He wasn’t sure how’d he get out of this one, but then again Yuta had his own classes to go to. Maybe Jaehyun could sneak off. Jaehyun really didn’t feel too bad. His mind felt just a bit clearer. See, the run helped! 

“Take a rest for once, Jaehyun. You work too hard.” Yuta sighed.

“I haven’t even done much.”

Jaehyun glanced at the clock. He stood up, halfway done the soup. “Where do you think you’re going?” Yuta antagonized him with a stern expression.

Jaehyun couldn’t help but laugh a little. “I’m taking a shower. What? You wanna come in and make sure I clean myself properly?” Jaehyun rebutted weakly, half teasing and half defensive. 

Yuta crossed his arms, settling. “Alright.”

“When’s your first class?”

“Eight.” Yuta responded easily before realizing Jaehyun’s mischievous intentions. “You’re not going to class, Jae.” Jaehyun frowned. “I already told Mingyu to cover all your notes and I already informed Taeil and Coach of your absence today.”

Jaehyun’s eyes widened. “I can’t miss.”

“You’ll be alright. I’ll help you if you get behind. You need to just focus on your health right now.” Jaehyun sighed and fiddled with his fingers. His head hurt. “Now go take that shower, Jae. I’ll be waiting.” Yuta proceeded to Jaehyun’s desk and sat on the wooden chair, black jeans, mint sweater, typical bangs, a multitude of earrings decorating his ears, black bookbag sitting on the ground beside him, soft fingertips then bouncing between the pages of his Econ book, studying. Jaehyun ran into the shower in an instant, feeling all too defeated and vulnerable.

*

Jaehyun was empty as the day passed. His body was still regenerating. Yuta insisted for him to sleep, but his mind was kept awake in worry. So many things ran through his head. He could be doing so many other things, but he just had to lay down aimlessly. Yuta kept texting him and checking up on him, but he was fine. He was okay. He just sneezed every few seconds and he felt like he was freezing, but he was alright.

Yu  
you better not be doing homework !!

Jae  
I’m resting

Aren’t you supposed to be practicing?

Yu  
we got a break

Jae  
Sprints?

Yu  
they’re alright  
Gyu and I will drop by after and give u ur notes and check up on u

Jae  
I promise I’m fine

Yu  
better be or else im killing you

Jae  
Good luck with that

Yu  
watch it  
John, Gyu, and Dk say hi.  
gotta get back

Jae  
See ya  
Work hard

Practice was still the same except they were down one person. When they fully scrimmaged they had to take out one player from one team so it was 5 vs 5, but it was not really too much of a bother. It was easier to get attacks down on the opponent though since everyone’s skills were so varied. Jaehyun helped keep the defense together. Somehow he kept it calm.

Everyone was pretty tired due to the sprints and the fact that they already had a lot of games the same week. They still all got through it. Yuta kept his energy and pushed himself thoroughly. Somehow, while they put the net and balls away Johnny brought up the topic of Jaehyun. “I guess he worked too hard. Fall is already coming so quick.”

Yuta pushed the cart of balls into the closet as he spoke. “He’s really hardworking and passionate, there’s not a lot of people out there who truly are. He just doesn’t know how to rest. If he doesn’t rest, he’ll hurt himself.”

Silence passed for a moment and then Johnny only had searching eyes, trying to meet Yuta’s who was too busy starting to untie his shoes in exchange for slides. Johnny dropped his eyes after a moment. “I mean, you’re one of the most hardworking people too, Yuta.”

“I hardly am.” Humble Yuta began, and Johnny looked toward him with eager eyes. “He’s so kind too. He’s kind and he has potential. He isn’t one of those powerhouse self-centered asses we knew summer freshman year, ya know? I mean none of the freshmen this year are, but you can really tell the effort he puts in. He’s genuine in every aspect, everywhere. On and off the court. It’s… Simply admirable.”

“I get it.” Johnny validated with a solid nod.

“I mean, how the hell didn’t he get scouted?” Yuta questioned roughly. “His grades aren’t bad that I know of. He seems to study a lot. He’s smart even if he is a bit slow. I think it’s just because of his nerves.”

“Some people just don’t take the spotlight, Yuta. It’s natural.” Taeil butted in with a sigh. “Plus, he’s more of a defensive back player. Most kids his height block or spike at everything and anything they can get. Recruiters don’t care much for those in the background, nor volleyball in general.” He spoke spitefully.

Yuta sighed as well, and walked over to Mingyu who was waiting for him to leave to go to Jaehyun’s.

Jaehyun rested until there was the banging at his door. He told them to come in slowly and was attacked by a tall man, Mingyu of course. “You’re not dead!” He grinned and Jaehyun gave a lazy grin back as Mingyu pulled him into a hug. Mingyu plopped the pile of his notes onto Jaehyun’s desk handwritten. Jaehyun was nearly strangled to death by Mingyu’s hold.

“Yay!” Jaehyun murmured and ignored the light stench Mingyu gave off. Yuta was behind Mingyu and smiled lightly.

“Do you feel any better?”

“I do.” Jaehyun responded honestly. Yuta still tested his truth, feeling his forehead once Mingyu detached from Jaehyun. Yuta was still wearing those shorts and that long coat, but a black hoodie was on and he had no cap that day. Yuta’s blonde was fading and growing out. Jaehyun wondered what color was next or how different Yuta would look.

“Your fever’s significantly gone down. Make sure you still take the medicine and eat well. I’ll let you go to practice tomorrow if you feel well, but don’t force a morning run and take it easy.”

“I got it.” Jaehyun gave a soft smile. Yuta smiled back.

“I can smell the sickness in here.” Mingyu stated, looking around the dorm room. 

“Well, get out before I get you sick too.”

“Yada, yada, alright, Jae. Text me if you need any help reading my handwriting or understanding anything. You good, Yuta?” Mingyu asked, already on his way out.

“Yeah, I’ll be out soon.” Yuta nodded. Mingyu went out, bounding down the hall with loud footsteps.

“Won’t you get sick too?”

Yuta laughed. “My immune system is very strong.”

“Wow, way to brag.” Jaehyun scoffed, enjoying the easygoing and joking atmosphere.

But of course, Yuta always had to be soft too. “Take it easy. Seriously.” His eyes glistened with sentimentality.

“I will, Yuta.” Yuta smiled.

“See you tomorrow?”

Jaehyun nodded. Yuta turned to leave. “Oh, wait! Don’t you want your scarf back?”

Yuta’s eyes followed their way to the scarf that Jaehyun held out to him with a small smile. “I mean you should keep it until you’ve fully recovered. I can always get another one too.”

“Alright.” Jaehyun confirmed. “See you tomorrow.” Then his night faded and he jotted down Mingyu’s notes before trying to go to bed at a reasonable time: 11:45.

*

He still awakened at five, but he resisted the urge and habit his limbs were accustomed to. They wanted to run. Jaehyun opened his curtains and watched the sun from the comfort of his bed, or rather the lack of sun. It felt like an eternity until he saw it, until it began to rise.

There was a knock on his door as soon as the sun was fully visible in the skyline. He opened the door, and there was Yuta. Jaehyun smiled, dimples popping out.

“Did you eat yet?” Jaehyun shook his head. “Wanna go out and get breakfast?”

Jaehyun’s eyes grew a bit wider before they formed into crescents. “Sure.” Yuta was in a grey shirt and black and white flannel with blue jeans and his multitude of earrings still adorned his ears. Jaehyun was surprised he never noticed them before they started practicing and Yuta had to take them out. They were magnificent. “Do you know any places close by?”

“There’s that breakfast cafe across the street. We can walk and get back before classes.”

Jaehyun nodded. “Let’s do it.” He said, putting on his coat and Yuta’s scarf.

Yuta smiled and began to walk. Jaehyun followed behind Yuta before comfortably settling beside him. “Will you get a chill?” Jaehyun asked as Yuta buried his hands in his coat pockets.

“Hm?” Yuta looked up toward Jaehyun. Jaehyun grinned as Yuta finally processed his words. “Oh, I’m alright. I’m quite a healthy person.”

Jaehyun turned out toward the brightening sun and nodded with a faint smile shadowing his face. “What kind of coffee do you usually get?”

“Americano.”

“Me too, but I usually only ask for one shot.”

“I’m surprised you don’t order more with how hard you work all the time.”

“Coffee just messes with me if I have a lot.” Jaehyun smiled cheekily.

Yuta nodded softly in thought. Once they arrived, they found a seat near the windows and awaited for their server. Yuta didn’t have to look through the menu too much, but Jaehyun was quite torn between pancakes or french toast. He asked Yuta for his opinion. “French toast.” Yuta stated valiantly.

Jaehyun slowly agreed and ordered the french toast while Yuta got an eggs and bacon platter. The freshman looked out the window as the sun steadily burned in the sky. Yuta took a short glance at Jaehyun before directing his gaze out the window with him. He gave a soft chuckle.

Jaehyun turned to Yuta at the sound with curiosity. “Hm?”

Yuta glazed over Jaehyun with a small smile settling. “Nothing.” Jaehyun let his eyes linger for a moment longer before willing his keen eyes to rest back at the window.

Endearment was set in and Yuta looked back out the window as well. Since the cafe was pretty deserted the food was generally quick. They both quietly whispered their gratitude to the server as the food arrived. The atmosphere was almost frozen. There was distant rustling in the back of the kitchen, but from where the pair sat the only sound was utensils lightly scraping against plates.

“Do you think we’re ready for the next game?” Yuta quietly uttered as he crunched on a piece of bacon.

Jaehyun rose his eyes from his french toast. “Yes.” Yuta grinned, but slowly Jaehyun’s eyes dropped to the table. “How was practice while I was gone?”

Yuta’s smile dropped slightly. He leaned forward a little and adjusted his posture. He made a small cough. “It was good.”

Jaehyun licked his lips and twirled him fork for a moment before looking back up with wide eyes. “Wait, don’t tell me I made you sick?” He dropped his fork, it making a clanging noise against his plate.

Yuta blinked before shaking his head with a quick chuckle. “No, no, of course not.”

Jaehyun sighed and narrowed his eyes. “I don’t believe you.”

“Well, I guess you don’t have to, Dimple.” Yuta smirked.

Jaehyun scowled. “I swear if you got sick—”

“I’m fine, Jae.” Yuta sedated. “You’re the one who was just sick, don’t make yourself fall sick again from stress.”

Jaehyun scoffed lightly and finished all of his meal. Yuta finished his as well and the server took their plates. “I’ll go grab the check and be back in a moment.” The server stated. Jaehyun immediately went to grab his wallet from his back pocket.

“I’ll pay. Don’t worry about it. It was my idea to come here.” 

Jaehyun tilted his head. “Shouldn’t we split it?”

Yuta shook his head. “I got it. It won’t be very expensive anyway.”

Jaehyun reluctantly nodded. The server returned and Yuta handed her the cash, setting a tip on the table. “I’ll pay next time.” Jaehyun murmured softly.

Yuta looked up at Jaehyun slowly before nodding himself. Then they left the establishment with light hearts and full stomachs. Yuta walked Jaehyun to his class before disappearing back into his dorm. 

Jaehyun relaxed himself by focusing in his classes and having fond conversation with Mingyu after thanking him for the notes once more. 

*

The next game of the season appeared before Jaehyun could blink. It was only the next day, but his newfound confidence had dissipated from his previous absence at practice. He knew his teammates would be amazing. He was concerned with his own play however. His first practice having returned from his sickness he could already feel his prior weakness return. He was out of it already from only a mere few days out of practice.

He was only laser focused throughout the practice. Everyone’s voices were drained in the back of his brain and he could only do his best to perform and perfect his skills. He somehow was so in it that he became out of it.

When others called for the ball, Jaehyun would almost accidentally instinctually run for it too though he was already called off. Yuta had to shout his nickname for him to get out of his daze. By the time he woke from his trance half the team was already gone as practice had already finished a little while before.

Game day he had a similar trance even before the game. “Jaehyun?” Yuta had to call into the locker room once more. Jaehyun took a moment before even registering him then returning to look at the floor. “You okay?”

Jaehyun slowly nodded from where he sat, but he didn’t move otherwise. Yuta sat down beside him. “What’s wrong?” He asked softly.

Jaehyun sat silent for a few moments until he saw Yuta go to speak again and he jumped at his own words. “I’m alright. I just seem to be a little out of it.”

“Do you have any idea why?” Jaehyun softly shook his head. “Believe in yourself. Remember that winning or losing doesn’t matter. It’s about improving and moving forward. Don’t forget to give yourself credit either. You’re good, Jae.”

Jaehyun sighed, brushing a hand through his hair. A pit of despair suddenly bared into him. He flinched at his own volume and pitch. “How am I good?”

Yuta sealed his lips, wondering of how to interpret this question. Jaehyun turned to him sharply with a grim expression at the silence. A few more moments continually passed and Yuta just gave him such a desolate look. “See!” His voice raised in pitch and volume and Yuta blinked back. “There’s no answer. I’m not good. My body clearly can’t handle anything and I even made you sick. I have not done anything good at all.” Jaehyun couldn’t detect the source of his own outburst, but he felt sick in a more sour way. Distaste.

“Jae,” Yuta sighed, putting a hand on Jaehyun’s shoulder in an attempt to calm him. “You’re good at playing, doing your best, being kind… Just because you needed to take a break doesn’t mean you’ve lost anything. You’re still you. You’re great. Your practice will show through from how hard you work. Just believe in your own abilities, please.”

Jaehyun’s throat constricted and his breaths slowed but grew in depth. “Hey, hey, Jae, you’re good. You’re good.” Yuta threw his arms around Jaehyun, pulling him into a gentle hug. “You’re good.” He whispered lightly. Jaehyun grew limp into Yuta’s embrace and kept him close. It seemed to have been a minute when Jaehyun slowly drew back and let out a strange laugh. Yuta simply gave a small smile. “You okay?”

Jaehyun slowly nodded with his own faint smile. “I’m good. I’m good.” 

Yuta stood. “Alright then, come on. We got a game to play.” Yuta reached out his hand, and Jaehyun let a sour realization hit him and fester for a moment before grabbing his hand to stand. Oh. Then they walked out of the locker room again with the tough game ahead of them to be endured. 

They won the game. It was hard, but they won. Jaehyun however couldn’t stand the blandness of his plain water. He hated the way his own sweat stuck to his uniform and to his stringy hair. The team wanted a celebratory dinner. He supposed he would go. No need to cause a problem. They won anyway. He should have been happy. He was happy. He convinced himself he was. If anything was wrong, he had no idea what it was.

Jaehyun drifted between the different conversations at the dinner, but he never really listened. All he could hear was himself inside his own head. His brain burned in fire and his skin grew cold as his tongue poked at him with temptation for negativity. His mindset was bad. He knew it, but he also knew it couldn’t be ignored. He had to hold it in. Nothing could fix it until he got a few more hours of sleep or went for a long run to break the parasite of thoughts off from him. His fuse was short for no reason, but his fuse wanted to pop.

One touch and it would go boom.

Again, he was too focused. He was too in it that he was out of it. He practically held his breath the whole night until everyone had begun to talk about dealing with the most drunk teammates. Jaehyun usually helped take them home. Jaehyun was still sober. Though he had wonderful tolerance, he knew his fuse would blow if he dared to let out any of his inhibitions or voice. His body and mind already didn’t care about any of this. He didn’t want to take them back to their dorms. He didn’t want to babysit them. He needed to run. He needed to go, or else he’d shout and mess everything up. His body stayed tense. Luckily, Minghao and Sicheng boredly took Mingyu and Dokyeom out and the older members of the team were sober enough to go home on their own with the aid of Kun and Johnny. Jaehyun was relieved as he already had to hold himself back from physically hurting someone from one glance at him. He needed to get out. He was the desolate survivor. He somehow paid the whole tab without knocking the bartender out in his own personal internal anger. He really needed to get out.

The brisk air relieved some of Jaehyun’s tension and he could breathe just a little bit more. “Jae, you okay?” 

Jaehyun turned wildly with clenched fists toward the voice before releasing his hands at the sight of Yuta. “What are you still doing here?” He asked sharply.

“I’m always the last one to leave.” Then why the hell weren’t you in there and I had to pay the whole damn check.

Jaehyun inhaled his own thoughts and pushed his shoulders down, trying to look relaxed. He didn’t know why he was so aggravated. “I’m fine.”

“Let me walk you back.” Yuta walked forward from his spot against the brick wall on the outside of the establishment.

“I think I’ll be okay on my own.” I’m not a child. He stated roughly before softening. “Plus, it’s late. You don’t have time to walk all the way back with me. You need some sleep. Thank you though.”

Yuta still followed him. “I’ll be okay. I’ll walk you back.”

Jaehyun inhaled silently. “I’m fine. Are you drunk?” He said, almost attempting at an insult toward Yuta and failing. Yuta rarely drank too much or got intoxicated to the point of clear influence. Yuta was clearly sober and well. Jaehyun just needed him to go away.

“I assure you I am not.” Yuta responded securely, shaking his head a little.

Jaehyun’s brain ran around his head and he couldn’t breathe again. “Please, go.” He stated quietly with a hard voice. Yuta only glanced at him, but still walked alongside Jaehyun on the way to his dorm. “Please, go.” Jaehyun tempted in a softer voice.

“Jaehyun, I’m fine—“

“It’s not about you. Now, please, go!” Jaehyun shouted out with fiery eyes.

Yuta flinched and sighed deeply, putting his hands up in surrender. “Fine. You better get yourself together. Maybe you drank a little too much tonight.” He said spitefully with stern undertones of concern, and then went away.

Jaehyun breathed slowly and stood in one spot for a few moments. He had barely drank anything. He just needed to get away, but then he didn’t feel like running anymore. He just needed to sleep.

Jaehyun dropped onto his bed and didn’t bother to change out of his uniform or shower.

*

The next day was sunshine and rainbows. Jaehyun was focused in his usual way. He did all his school work with the utmost diligence and gladly aided Mingyu in any concept or problem he needed help in. His morning had been typical with his run and a full shower. He generally felt refreshed. It was good. He was good, but why did it seem so quiet in his mind?

He walked into practice earlier than he had in awhile, and he practiced. He could feel the energy flow through him and he felt solid. He felt good. Silence lasted longer than it usually did though. Sourness teased him as practice officially started and ended with a sort of emptiness. It had grown again. Jaehyun left the gymnasium without putting the net down and balls away and he didn’t bother to change into slides. He didn’t want to blow up again. This time he would run the strangeness off of him. He still didn’t know the cause, but every time he was there. Jaehyun would fall apart in an emotional rage.

He turned off his phone and he just ran until he didn’t know where he was. He ran until his limbs halted him and the darkness fully hindered his vision. He turned his phone on and was greeted with nothing.

No messages, no phone calls, oh well. Who did he think he was. It was one am. Sadly, the only option he would allow for himself was to go back.

He ran back to the university with his directions on and approached the gymnasium. Open. Perfect.

The lights blinded him and shone down on him with an unforgiving intensity. Unfortunately, the ball closet was locked. Jaehyun still had his belongings from earlier, so he pulled out his volleyball. He practiced until his normal five AM alarm went off, to which he went to the university gym and did his morning jog before returning to his dorm, showering, then heading to class for another day.

“Jaehyun, jeez how much did you study last night?” Mingyu questioned him with a whisper just as class began. Always the same, Mingyu. Jaehyun was somewhat thankful.

Nothing was truly different.

*

Jaehyun. Jaehyun.

They were only warming up. Why was he so tired? He’d pulled all nighters before, why couldn’t he do his sprints without his vision growing blurry then? He was okay, okay. He could keep going.

“Jaehyun,” 

The man finally looked up to see the coach leaning down towards him. “Are you alright? Maybe you should take a break.”

Jaehyun widened his bagged eyes and shook his head. “No, no, I’m good. I’m okay.” He barely breathed out.

“You should sit down.”

“No, no. I’m okay. I can keep going.”

“I know, but we don’t wanna have to call an ambulance, do we? Take a break and sit.” Jaehyun groaned and sat down on the sideline with shaky breaths.

He watched the others run. Jaehyun sighed. He could run. He could do it. God, he needed it.

“Where’s your water?” Yuta asked Jaehyun after he finished his sprints. Yuta was slightly out of breath too, and sweating.

“I don’t have any.” Jaehyun replied lazily. Yuta raised his eyebrows in confusion before handing out his water bottle toward Jaehyun.

“Have some.”

Jaehyun weakly pushed the water bottle away. “I’m okay.”

Yuta frowned, pushing the bottle toward Jaehyun again with a strong arm. “Jaehyun.” Said man only rejected the water further. “What is wrong with you? Drink.”

“No.”

“Jaehyun. I’m serious. What is wrong?”

“I’m fine.”

“Jaehyun,” Yuta warned. Jaehyun sighed and took the water bottle reluctantly, gulping down nearly half of what was left without taking a breath.

“Here,” Jaehyun stated, reaching to give the water back breathlessly.

“Keep it.” Yuta spoke with a grim expression, shaking his head.

“I’m fine.”

“Stop saying that will you?” Yuta scoffed in disbelief. 

“Well, I am, alright? I’m fine.” Yuta gave Jaehyun a skeptical expression.

Yuta sighed with a soft voice. “You need to tell me what’s going on.” Jaehyun’s mouth formed a frown.

“Yuta.” Yuta blinked. “I’m okay.”

Vulnerability.

“I still need you to tell me, Jaehyun.” Yuta paused. “Even if you’re okay now. I want to know.”

Jaehyun sighed as Yuta went back to practicing, The sourness on his tongue was burning unbearably.

*

Jaehyun felt some need to avoid it. He never avoided people before, but he just didn’t want to face confrontation. “Jae,” Taeil called for Jaehyun as Jaehyun tried to wiggle out of the gymnasium without being seen. Normally he wouldn’t ever be caught if he’d ever intend to be sneaky, but Jaehyun supposed the quiet noticed the quiet and he had to face up to himself.

Taeil pointed over to Yuta who was pushing the ball cart in the closet and locking it up. Everyone else had already left. Taeil left too after he saw Jaehyun approach Yuta.

Jaehyun felt sweat cover his hands and a kind of fear built in him. He didn’t want to explode. Luckily, once Yuta caught sight of him, he walked them back to their things. “Do you want to walk and talk, talk here, or talk somewhere else?” Yuta asked.

Jaehyun suddenly had lost his breath. “I don’t know.”

Yuta looked at Jaehyun who was still in his practice clothing. “You should put on your coat, or else you’ll get cold.”

“Oh,” Jaehyun slowly nodded. He put on his coat and anything else he had in his bag. Yuta watched him carefully, eyes sparkling as he spotted a certain scarf being wrapped around Jaehyun’s neck.

“How about we go to your dorm, hm? We can talk about it there.” Yuta suggested once they were both bundled up. Jaehyun imagined all the possibilities and then shook his head lightly. He suddenly felt small, and he needed to move.

“We can talk as we walk.” Jaehyun stated. They’ve walked before. That was comfortable. That was good.

“Okay,” Yuta agreed. He turned off the gym lights and they made their way out. “Where should we start?”

“I don’t know.” Jaehyun whispered, almost inaudibly. 

“Well, are you okay, truly?” Yuta glanced to Jaehyun. Jaehyun could only hide behind Yuta’s scarf, at this realization he looked down in a mix of guilt and sadness.

“I am.” He answered softly.

“What happened?”

“When?”

“What happened in the locker room before? Today? Are you okay?”

“I said I was okay.”

“Do you still feel that way?” Yuta questioned gently. “Like you’re not good, or good enough?”

Jaehyun sighed, reluctant. “A little.”

“Can you tell me in what way?” Yuta asked. “I only want to help you.”

Jaehyun sighed again. “It’s from a lot of things in a lot of places, and most of it can never be fixed.”

“Well, we can begin at one place. We can go step by step. Together. I’m here, Jae.”

“I’ll be alright, Yuta. I’ve accepted it all within myself.” Yuta frowned.

“Am I an asshole for not believing you?”

Jaehyun hummed and let silence settle before resolving to an honest answer. “No.”

“What do you want me to do?” Yuta inquired genuinely. “Do you want me- Do you want me to go.” Jaehyun heard it, remembered it. His heart chipped.

Jaehyun turned to Yuta with soft eyes. “I’m sorry, Yuta. I’m really sorry about yesterday. I was just— I don’t know, but I know that I’m sorry. I acted really bad and it was… Unacceptable.”

“It’s okay.” Yuta laughed a little sadly. “It’s good. You’re good.”

“I’m sorry.” Jaehyun murmured once more, breaking their eye contact.

“Jaehyun,” Yuta called for him. Jaehyun hummed quietly. “Is something really wrong? Whatever it is I just... I want to help you.”

“I just felt bad. Like we were saying, I didn’t feel good. So I had to go on a little break and have a little time to myself.”

“I don’t mean to… Intrude, but what did you do?”

Jaehyun felt the reality fall and all of his drop in pieces. “I ran.” Yuta hummed to him in question. “I ran until I couldn’t anymore. Then I came back and it was already too early I—” He started to confess.

“You ran all night after practice? Did you sleep at all? No wonder you couldn’t do all your sprints! Why? Why would you do that?” Yuta countered frantically. Jaehyun suddenly felt the sourness finally begin to kill him.

“I needed some time.” Jaehyun tried to contain Yuta’s inquiries.

“Did— Did something happen?”

“No, I just needed a break.”

Yuta sighed. “I won’t ever understand your logic, but, if you ever feel like that again, you can talk to me, you know?”

Jaehyun sighed as well. “I’m sorry, but for this, I just don’t think you would be able to help me.” Jaehyun laughed disheartedly.

“Okay.” Yuta nodded slowly. “I don’t have to help, but I can listen.”

“Yuta, I—” Jaehyun sighed, looking up at the sky and it’s stars. “I don’t really know what it is. I don’t know if it’s just I lack confidence on the court, or in general, but I just feel weak and somehow… Unimportant.” He laughed at the feeling of Yuta’s eyes on him. “Don’t look at me like that. I’m okay.”

Yuta stopped them both and grabbed Jaehyun’s arm lightly. “Jaehyun, look at me.”

Jaehyun inhaled sharply, water filling him. “I don’t think I can do that, Yu.”

“Hey,” Yuta called, squeezing Jaehyun’s arm, making Jaehyun look at him. “You’re important.” Jaehyun kept still before slowly shaking his head. He really needed to run. “To me. I don’t care what anyone else says or what you think, but know you at least matter to me, Jaehyun.”

“No, no.” Jaehyun shook his head, filling up more.

“And I’m telling you, Jae. Everyone on the team cares for you. You matter to us. You are our family. I don’t know who makes you feel like you have no one and you are nothing, but you have us. We all love you so much. We truly do. You are so kind and helpful and amazing and talented. You can ask any one of us. Seeing you work so hard is amazing, but seeing you in pain. It hurts all of us, Jae. Please, Jaehyun, you matter. We love you. Please just know that.”

“Yuta, that’s… I know, but. Yu, it’s more than that. I have my own problems that I—“ Jaehyun sighed, letting out a tense breath that ghosted in the air. “I don’t know what to do with honestly.” The tears slid down quickly as the world and silence spun around them in stillness.

Yuta breathed. “What can I do for you? You know I can’t tell you what to do but—“

“Yuta, you really can’t. I’m sorry. It’s all me. I can’t do anything. You can’t do anything about it.”

Yuta let go of Jaehyun’s arm slowly and nodded. His fresh brown hair made him so natural, but it was so Yuta. It was so natural, so him. It hurt. “Okay, that’s okay.” Every breath left Jaehyun in one moment. “Can I give you a hug, Dimple?”

Jaehyun let the silence sit and stir for a moment before he weakly responded. “Yeah, Yu. You can.”

Yuta took a moment before gently bringing himself closer to Jaehyun and embracing him. They still smelled of sweat. The chill hit them hard and the body warmth was a nice reminder of reality. Yuta stuck his head into Jaehyun’s shoulder, digging his nose against it. His head was rubbing against his own sweater. Jaehyun held Yuta around the waist gently and rested his head sideways. Jaehyun withheld his tears the best he could. “Thanks, Yu.” His voice nearly broke in the moment. Jaehyun was practically shaking. 

A few more rough winds passed before Yuta began. “It’s late, and you haven’t slept at all for a very long time. I think you need to skip the morning jog tomorrow and sleep all the way till your first class, okay?” Jaehyun felt the string straining again and bit his lip before nodding slowly. “Okay.” Yuta confirmed for himself and pulled back from the embrace with a sweet smile. Jaehyun already felt the clocks reset again. Ow. The sourness had left his tongue and rested in his stomach. He gave a weak smile back and only nodded as his voice had left him. “Alrighty then. See you tomorrow, Jae!” Yuta said with a wave, turning to go to his own dorm.

Jaehyun gave a weak wave, turned his back to Yuta and towards his dorm. He let out a silent weep, shut his lips tightly, and let his tears fall. He didn’t know what he expected. He was weak after all. 

*

Jaehyun was never sure when his routine began. He just decided he shouldn’t have been wasting his time with sleep or rest. The freshman knew that skill and improvement only came with hard work, and if he had to fight though sleepless nights and intensely sore limbs then so be it.

Jaehyun never knew he was good at academics until he spent half his time outside of his classes studying. If he ever strayed from his studying he knew his results would drop drastically. Whenever he wasn’t in class or studying he would be exercising, mostly through practicing volleyball. His remaining time was for quick meals and the occasional sleep he would come across.

Jaehyun never did very intense training in his opinion. He was only consistent. Maybe that was why he was so weak and never really improved overall. He only did the same activities over and over. He always ran the same amount at the same speed on the same incline. He always studied the same way, same strategy, same general time, but Jaehyun feared what change would do to him. 

Jaehyun never enjoyed change, or at least negative and unpredictable change, but maybe that was what he needed. He just hoped he wouldn’t grow weaker through the process. He needed to fix himself.

Jaehyun had only seen something or imagined something rather, and was mistaken in his fantasies. It was a mistake. Sourness stayed in him, and he wondered if it was permanent. He didn’t even know why he had felt such emotions, or if he just hallucinated the whole situation. 

Delusional. He was delusional. Yes, that was it. Now, he just had to be normal, but better. Ignore whatever he thought he felt and move. He just had to occupy himself. He wasn’t studying as much recently. That must have been it. He needed that. Maybe he could study with Mingyu more and look up new volleyball drills, new exercises other than running on a treadmill in the morning. Perfect, perfect.

Even though change never occurs overnight, Jaehyun never shied away from his goals. He always pushed his own limits exponentially. Setbacks could catch him, but he would always proceed. His mind would jump and lose focus at random moments, but all he could do was try his best to ignore the distractions. Jaehyun couldn’t afford to be so weak anymore, and he most definitely wasn’t in the right position to be seeing the ghost of his senior around every corner. 

He jumped at any opportunity for his self-improvement. “Gyu, we have that big test for math coming up. Do you wanna start working on some practice problems after practice today?” Jaehyun inquired to Mingyu as their last class ended. 

Mingyu simply blinked, expressing a moment of confusion before responding. “Oh, that’s in like three weeks. I suppose we can start reviewing now, yeah.” He gave his wide grin.

Jaehyun nodded with a blank expression as they then wandered to the gym. It was all distant to him then. His brain didn’t process anything fully though his body tried to persist. Even after practice had ended, Jaehyun felt antsy to play more, but he had to stick himself to his new and improved schedule.

Jaehyun’s heart wasn’t in the mood to be helpful with putting all the volleyball supplies away, but he had to become normal again. He aided Yuta in taking the net down and putting the ball cart in without much chatter at all. His mind was racing too much and the sourness burned too intensely. He could hardly breathe. Before more seconds could pass, Jaehyun hurried over to Mingyu and prepared to head out for their study session.

“Should we go to our normal spot?” Jaehyun asked, turning a blind eye to the drowsiness in Mingyu’s eyes.

Mingyu nodded softly, and Jaehyun moved ahead of him out the door.

They worked rather slowly, but that was to be expected after reviewing old material that was set back in their brains. Mingyu seemed to do every practice problem with deep thought and slow pencil strokes while Jaehyun pushed forward in a fiery pursuit. He didn’t notice when Mingyu had kept glancing at him with helpless gazes at some of the questions.

Jaehyun only stopped working when he finished the first section of problems. The library was practically deserted except for the two of them. “I’m done,” Jaehyun started with a sense of accomplishment. Mingyu, on the other hand, was dazed and his section was only around thirty percent finished. Jaehyun’s faint smile dissipated to frown at the lack of response. “Gyu?” Mingyu held a tight expression and finally stopped rubbing his temples to look at Jaehyun. 

“I need help.” Mingyu said softly. Jaehyun furrowed his eyebrows at the quiet tone, slowly growing more aware.

“We can work together. We still have a while until the test…” Jaehyun examined Mingyu’s work and decided to confront the problems in order of the ones first attempted. “We can start on this one. What are you stuck on?”

Mingyu shook his head. “I don’t know what you do next.”

Jaehyun taught and displayed the skills to Mingyu who gratefully received the help, but seemed to be lacking focus. Jaehyun didn’t bother to comment on it to him. “Do you understand?” Jaehyun questioned once he finished the explanation.

Mingyu looked over the work Jaehyun had done. “I think.” He slowly responded with a nod. Jaehyun gave a small smile.

“We can review it later too. What was your next problem?”

Mingyu took a deep breath. “Actually, can we continue this later? It’s pretty late. And I’m tired.”

Jaehyun blinked and checked his phone for the time. To him, it was hardly late at all, but Mingyu must have been exhausted. “Oh, yes, definitely.” Mingyu nodded and began to slowly pack up his books.

Jaehyun began to check over his own work for any mistakes. “Jae?” Mingyu called from near the Library doors. Jaehyun only looked up after a few seconds and hummed. “Come on, you should come back too.”

The determined man sat in thought for a moment before slowly standing and collecting his own items. “I suppose you’re right.” He murmured and joined Mingyu near the doors until they both left to go to their respectful dorms.

He found himself freezing with the cold as he walked even with Yuta’s scarf. He knew he wanted change, but some things he couldn’t change. Whether that was the amount of clothing he wore after practice or who his eyes always searched for during practice unknowingly. His books heavily leaned on him, and his body finally became aware of the after effects of his different workout regiment and sitting in a stiff wooden library chair for nearly six hours. 

Jaehyun was tempted to continue studying as he entered his dorm room, but thankfully his bones convinced him to drop dead onto his bed.

*

It was another game day, and Jaehyun slowly realized these kinds of days were fading. This set of people would be different next year. They only had so much time. He feared disappointing them. He didn’t have enough time, and the realization punched him in the face and made his whole body ache. He needed to be better but could he? How hard could he push himself even if he never slept again?

As it was an away game, Jaehyun sat on the bus with his earbuds in and worked on an assignment for one of his classes while everyone joked and blasted music from Johnny’s speaker. The music would casually switch from hip hop to the pop classics due to frequent changes in those in charge of the music selection with an occasional ballad along the way. Jaehyun tried his best to stay focused on his work, but his senses seemed to try their best to distract him. 

Every teammate was scattered around the bus near the back and Jaehyun sat alone. Kun was in the seat opposite him while the rest lingered together in the seats behind. Mingyu was sleeping on the window, and the rest seemed to hype up.

“Jae,” Ten repeatedly pestered him endearingly throughout the ride, poking him incessantly. “Jae.”

The freshman kept himself quiet and continued on his work. After a few minutes and more attempts, Ten left him alone. Jaehyun couldn’t help but be somewhat thankful even though his thoughts still wandered as he heard each of his teammates happily laughing behind him. He couldn’t tell if it was jealousy or more a restriction on himself. He couldn’t get behind. He couldn’t allow himself to get wrapped up in his own imaginations and desires.

Jaehyun never thought of himself as a buzzkill, but he didn’t have enough time to fool around even if he wanted to. He had to prioritize wisely. It would pay off in the end. It had to. It had to or all of this was statistically for nothing.

He finished the assignment and ran over it for any mistakes thoroughly. Jaehyun put away his work and then resorted to having some time of relaxation. He watched the sky and the world outside the bus window. His light and thick music pounded in his ears.

Then he was out as his body forced him to fall into an abyss where he could rest for just a moment. 

*

Tap tap. Jaehyun grumbled and curled back at hot taps on his shoulder. “Jaehyun,” A soft voice called. Jaehyun hated how he knew who it was. He hated how his brain wanted it to be someone different. Jaehyun slowly awoke, opening his eyes hesitantly as the sunlight hit him and turning to Kun. 

“JAE! Come on, let’s go.” Ten shouted from the front of the bus, already going out. Kun ushered him up and followed after Jaehyun off the bus, thanking the bus driver.

Jaehyun’s senses only kicked in once he finally walked into the opponent’s gymnasium where the light blinded him and the sounds of sneakers slipping and balls hitting floors and hands awakened him. Jaehyun felt his heart rise in excitement, but his throat slowly began to close as his brain whirred.

They warmed up quite quickly and Jaehyun somehow felt refreshed in the unfamiliar environment. He wasn’t by himself. His team was with him, but he felt himself grow. Today was a good day. He would make every point count. He would make his team proud. Even if time was running out.

Jaehyun’s new found confidence led him to excel in this particular match. The other team was generally composed, but had weaker attackers than Jaehyun’s team. In short, the opponents were destroyed, and Jaehyun felt great. Every piece seemed to fit and he could focus on himself while working with the team.

Maybe change was working. He told himself. The result was decent, other than the fact that Jaehyun could only focus on Yuta when he was sometimes on the bench. Jaehyun really needed to focus. He told himself it was because he was admiring Yuta’s skill, and while that was true, Jaehyun was following each intricate detail more closely than he would like to admit. This was a problem.

After the post-game talk with Coach everyone was pretty wild, and Jaehyun grinned. This win was overall not too important, but as a team, Jaehyun felt they were finally complete. Everyone was laughing and cheering. Jaehyun could only feel the desire to have it last. He didn’t want this high for the team to have a deep low. He really wanted anything but that.

Jaehyun went to the bathroom before they had to get on the bus. He washed his hands and pushed up his hair up from his sweaty forehead with a small grin of satisfaction. “Jaehyun?” Taeyong called in.

Jaehyun froze, before losing all the tension in his body as he felt a pang in his heart dissipated. He shook in familiarity, but only from a different voice in a different locker room. “I’m here!” He called back, relaxing slowly, attempting at a cheery voice.

“Hurry up, we’re leaving soon!”

Jaehyun took a deep breath as he heard the locker room door close. Next chapter. Right. Losing time. Jaehyun brushed his bangs back down with his hands and walked out of the locker room with large steps.

The freshman decided to take pride in this victory. He decided if there was only so much time left, why would he waste it?

He smiled with his teammates and sung with them as they rode back home, trying his best to keep his gaze outside at the scenery.

*

They didn’t return to campus until late at night. “Oh my God!” Dokyeom shouted as the harsh winds struck against his skin they he left the bus.

Jaehyun put on his coat and Yuta’s scarf, pushing his hands into his pockets, prepping for the cold as he followed down out from the bus. He heard Doyoung behind him groan at the chill.

They all went their separate paths to the dorms as it was too late to go out and celebrate. Jaehyun smiled as he heard the shouts of his teammates, complaining about the cold. 

But it was getting colder, winter was approaching, and it would all be over soon. Time was running faster than he could go. Even so, he felt better.

Jaehyun suddenly heard some warm heavy breathing from behind and was greeted by a bundled up Yuta. He didn’t intend to say it, but as his brain registered who, it came out so easily with a small smile. “Yuta,” Jaehyun let out with a breath.

Yuta let out a soft laugh. The reason or meaning of it, Jaehyun was unsure of. “It’s really cold.” Jaehyun simply nodded. “You did really well today.”

“Thanks, you too.” Jaehyun responded.

Yuta gave a small smile before sighing with the silence. “Dimple, how are you?” It was quiet.

“I’m alright.” Jaehyun decided. “How are you, Nakamoto Yuta?”

Yuta laughed. “I’m good.”

“Good.”

Frost surrounded the air. God, it was cold. “Is the scarf warm?”

Jaehyun turned to Yuta and blinked. “Huh? Uh, yeah. It’s warm.” He turned away towards the ground.

“Good.” The freshman decided to withhold his shivering. He decided if there was only so much time left, should he really risk ruining it? “Jaehyun, can we talk?”

“Yes. What is it?” Jaehyun asked with chattering teeth, stopping and turning to Yuta.

Yuta looked to Jaehyun with a piercing look. “Do you want to be friends?”

Jaehyun put on a slightly puzzled expression, his whole body contracting. “Sure? I mean, we are friends already I thought…”

“Jae—” Yuta began.

“Yes?”

“I don’t know if this is the right time, but I just want to know your answer. Do you like me?” Yuta directly questioned.

Jaehyun’s eyes widened. “Do I like you? Well, of course I do.” He attempted the easy way out.

Yuta sighed, blowing out a cold breath. “Don’t act smart with me.”

“Does my answer matter?” Jaehyun retorted.

“It does.” Yuta stated.

“Why?”

“Because it affects my answer.”

Jaehyun shut his mouth tightly for a moment. “I don’t want anything to change.” He stated thoughtfully.

“Don’t worry about that. Just answer.” 

“Do I like you, Yuta?” Jaehyun laughed awkwardly. “I guess I do.”

“Like that?” Yuta specified with careful eyes. Time is running out, so why wait? 

Jaehyun slowly nodded. “Like that.” He confirmed.

“Okay.” Yuta breathed out. Jaehyun’s throat clenched in anticipation and his cold goosebumps faded. 

“Why?” Jaehyun asked quickly, not liking the silence.

“I like you too, idiot.” Yuta smoothed out softly.

Jaehyun gulped. “Truly?” Yuta nodded. “Does this change anything?” Jaehyun whispered, and it almost seemed to get swept up by the wind.

“If you want it to.” Yuta replied softly. “Do you want it to?”

Jaehyun hesitated. Change. “Yes. Do you?”

“It would be nice.” Yuta spoke gently.

“You want? You want this change? You do?” Jaehyun rushed out.

Yuta nodded. “Yes.” Jaehyun nodded himself and licked his lips.

“I’m cold,” Jaehyun began. “Can we go inside?”

Yuta nodded, grabbing Jaehyun’s hand from his pocket and pulling them both inside the dorm building. Silence swallowed them and spit them out as Jaehyun’s mind wandered and Yuta simply watched it wander.

“How can I be good to you?” Jaehyun asked after a few minutes of pondering.

“Just be yourself.” Yuta chuckled a little, but his eyes were genuine.

“Can I make you happy?”

“You do.” Yuta smiled and Jaehyun slowly followed the expression for his own.

“You make me happy too, in some weird way.”

“Why does it have to be weird?” Yuta partially teased.

Jaehyun shook his head with a grin. “It doesn’t.”

Yuta hummed, squeezing both of Jaehyun’s freezing hands. “We’ll figure this out.” Yuta leaned up and rubbed his nose into Jaehyun’s gently. Jaehyun laughed heartily. “Let’s try this. We can balance.”

“Yes.” Jaehyun grinned slowly, seeming to lose all his words.

“I’ll see you at practice tomorrow? We can talk more after.”

*

Every step and object in his proximity suddenly had a new meaning. Yuta had made him soup in that pot. Yuta had walked over to him in the gym. Yuta had given him his scarf. Jaehyun’s eyes felt reborn with every common item that he could relate to Yuta. “Jae?” Yuta had called him Jae before… Jaehyun turned his head to see a furrowed brow and curious expression on Mingyu’s face. 

“Hm?” Jaehyun responded in a cheery tone. Mingyu twirled his pencil on his fingers.

“What’s got you so happy today?”

Jaehyun immediately tensed before letting out an easy sigh. “I actually didn’t study last night, so I got a good amount of sleep and have a very quick mind today. Though I hope I’m not falling behind now.” He’d already given too much of his shock away to play it off as totally nothing. He did tell the truth though.  
Mingyu laughed. “I think we both together and individually have studied enough for the whole year.”

Jaehyun gave a soft laugh and suddenly got the idea to aid Yuta in studying. Even though they didn’t take any of the same classes, Jaehyun could still help quiz Yuta. Yes, that would be really cute and productive. Maybe at the same cafe?

Class faded away with his various thoughts.

*

Jaehyun came to practice with light steps and deep breaths. He spotted the familiar man across the gym and excitedly ran to him, putting up the net in a hasty manner. Yuta blinked at the quick work of Jaehyun. The freshman couldn’t help but grin once he gazed at Yuta. Yuta adored a softer similar lovesick expression.

“Hey! You two think stretching your face will prepare you for the hardest practice of your lives?” Ten shouted from the entrance to the gymnasium, attempting to tease; however, Yuta and Jaehyun rarely gave him a gaze and merely laugh. “See, Do, they can’t even see me!” 

“I don’t think that’s their fault.” Doyoung retorted with a twisted laugh. Ten promptly punched him in the shoulder roughly shouting something about not being short and tiny.

Jaehyun never thought he was very obvious. He never thought anyone cared to watch him, but he also seemed to underestimate Ten, Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul. Ten seemed to not be scared of confrontation either. It had only been a couple of minutes of practice when Ten sauntered up to him as they were stretching. “So… You and Yuta…” Jaehyun watched him carefully with furrowed brows as Ten whispered. Then, Ten proceeded to speak in his usual tone and volume, which in general terms was loud. “You fucking?”

Jaehyun immediately coughed over and over like a madman, his ears turning cherry red. There was a loud Johnny cackle from across the room. While Ten grinned, he raised his eyebrows in an attempt to coerce an answer from Jaehyun. There was a clear audible sigh from the other side of the room. “Okay, Ten, there is a line.” Doyoung chastised Ten.

“Yes, and that was just my line, mister.” Ten responded sassily with a sly smirk. The freshman was sure he saw Ten wink at Doyoung. Jaehyun moved away from Ten, proceeding to stretch thoroughly, distracting himself with the tune of a song.

Luckily, Yuta didn’t seem to hear Ten, or more rather decided to block and ignore Ten all together, unbothered. He was busy having a relaxed conversations with Taeil, Taeyong, and Kun as they stretched together.

Jaehyun knew for now they had to keep some kind of space. Jaehyun tried his best not to focus on Yuta during practice, but looking up to him athletically and fully knowing Yuta cared and admired him too was something he couldn’t help but notice and get entrapped in. 

Jaehyun wasn’t sure if he was supposed to show his adoration on the court sometimes or if it would be rude of him to not rightfully focus on the game. Luckily, he was swept in the game easily and knew he would hardly have to worry about Yuta being angry if he simply shot a hard spike at him. It was all part of the game.

The end of practice came slowly and Jaehyun’s confident volleyball skills failed to translate as he put the net and balls away as they always did and suddenly got nervous. They were going to talk, yes, this day was a test. To see if this would work for Yuta, yes. He hoped he would pass.

He had been nervous before, but his heart was racing and his throat was constricted. Oh, the burden of himself. Jaehyun changed out of his practice clothes to seem somewhat decent and slung on Yuta’s scarf gently. They were the last ones again. He breathed slowly and downed the rest of his water in a swift set of gulps. 

The captain tapped his shoulder and Jaehyun jumped back so fast, dropping his then empty water bottle and cringing at the sound of it hitting the floor. He laughed gently, picking his water bottle up quickly and putting it in his bag swiftly. “Yuta, you wanted to talk?” Jaehyun threw on a nervous smile.

Yuta nodded softly, putting on a straight expression. “Wanna go on a date Sunday, Dimple?”

Jaehyun blinked slowly, almost responding immediately after his shock dissipated. “Yes, yes.” He murmured, a slow smile creeping up his face.

“Alright,” Yuta began. He grabbed Jaehyun’s hand and turned them to begin walking out the gymnasium. Yuta turned off the lights as they exited. “Where would you like to go?”

Jaehyun slowly breathed as his heart pounded quickly. “I liked the cafe. Can we go there again? Unless you have somewhere else in mind.” Jaehyun’s mind raced.

Yuta calmed him in an instant with confirmation. “That’s great, Dimple. I’d love that. Is nine good? Meet there?”

Jaehyun sighed in relief. “It’s great.” Yuta smiled at him and squeezed his hand as they went on.

* 

Jaehyun would be the first one to admit it. He wasn’t a well dressed person, but at least he tried his best sometimes. Jaehyun tried to look his best and impress Yuta in some way even though Yuta had already seen him sweating up a storm and out of breath with a red face during practice and games.

Jaehyun already knew the points he wanted to hit in the conversation, and he knew that he wanted to pay since the first time they went he let Yuta pay. He tried to dress warmly for the weather, although he was sure his heart would be warm enough with Yuta’s presence.

In true Jaehyun fashion, he arrived a couple of minutes early. He tried his best to keep his hair perfect and keep his posture confident and calm contrary to the hectic thoughts pulsing through him.

He felt stupid for not noticing Yuta walk in, but thankfully Yuta found Jaehyun in the same booth as their previous time there. Jaehyun also felt stupid for not greeting Yuta as he was too caught up being breathless at Yuta’s appearance. Soft brown hair, dazzling earrings, blue jeans, simple white shirt with a small accent of the brand in the corner, jean jacket over, and his large coat over. It was all Yuta, and it was all beautiful. Jaehyun finally blinked and closed his mouth as he and Yuta made eye contact. 

Jaehyun immediately turned to the seat across from him and rubbed the side of his head lightly, his black hair falling into his eyes already. Oh, God. “Hey, Yuta.” His vocal tone was odd, almost as if this meeting wasn’t planned even though it most certainly was. Maybe it was due to the fact that Jaehyun wasn’t prepared and never would be prepared to grasp the beautify and fluidity of Nakamoto Yuta. 

Yuta took off his coat and set it aside on his seat. Jaehyun suddenly couldn’t breath and all the air was just filled with the entity of Yuta. Yuta settled into his seat and stared back at Jaehyun. It still took Jaehyun a few moments to realize himself. It seemed his plan of conversation was never going to be put into play. Jaehyun directed his attention to the menu in front of him and gazed over it carefully. Yuta was still looking at him and Jaehyun licked his lips, waiting a few moments, but Yuta relentlessly stared at him. Jaehyun looked up with his mouth open to switch up the silence, but Yuta merely sat with a smirk and Jaehyun quickly looked down at his menu again and coughed. “That’s enough now. What do you want?” Yuta grinned wider, finally settled, glancing at the menu.

“I’ll just get the same as last time.” Yuta shrugged, regaining his casualty. “You?”

“I think I’ll get the pancakes this time. I might get a milkshake instead of coffee though. Have you ever had one of those here?” 

“No, can I try a little bit of it when it comes?” Yuta asked.

Jaehyun nodded softly, putting his menu down. “Yeah, of course.”

*

They received their food and conversed between bites when Jaehyun began to think harder. “How should we act during practice? I mean I know we could just be normal and all, but I don’t know, do you want to talk about us with them?” Jaehyun spoke till he ran out of words.

“I’m comfortable with us.” Yuta stated. “It won’t disrupt anything. If there were ever any problems, I’m sure we could handle it responsibly. Plus, there are other people on the team in relationships so it’s cool.” Jaehyun widened his eyes slightly at the new information.

“I never knew anyone was in a relationship, but I guess they do have lives outside of volleyball.” Jaehyun commented. Yuta chuckled a little, and Jaehyun looked up clueless. “Hm? What’s so funny?”

“With all due respect, you really must be dense.”

“What?”

“Have you never noticed how Johnny and Taeyong live in the same apartment? Or that Ten and Doyoung constantly make jokes about their sex life and give each other a short kiss before each game?”

Jaehyun blinked in thought. “I thought Johnny and Yong were just roommates, and I thought Ten and Doyoung were just joking…” Jaehyun looked down at his foolishness. He guessed he was to busy focusing on Yuta and his own playing to pay attention to the truth behind his teammates words. Maybe he was always just observing the wrong details. Everything suddenly connected.

“That explains why you never questioned any of my advances.” 

“Advances? What do you mean? When? I just assumed you were being a good captain…” Jaehyun excused.

Yuta groaned. “That was also a factor, but you couldn’t have thought I didn’t have some kind of feelings for you at all?” Jaehyun slowly shook his head. “Oh my goodness, all my effort unnoticed all this time. This is painful.”

“I’m sorry?”

“It’s fine. At least I know it’s apart of your nature.” Jaehyun slowly nodded and took a sip from his milkshake. Jaehyun guessed he was more oblivious than he thought, but that was the point.

“Oh, right.” Yuta started, eyes falling on the milkshake until he looked up. “Can I taste it?” Yuta inquired with sparkly eyes.

Jaehyun smiled at Yuta’s excitement at such a simple treat. He slid the drink towards Yuta. “Yes, I already told you earlier you ca—”

Woosh. Oh, God.

Yuta had reached up over the table and connected his lips to Jaehyun in an instant. He had pulled Jaehyun’s face closer with one hand on his chin and the other on his shirt, and he just smashed without hesitation. All of Yuta’s scent and being enveloped Jaehyun. Jaehyun nearly froze before finally reacting and holding the side of Yuta’s face gently, turning into the kiss.

Yuta’s breath was ridden with the smell and taste of syrup and bacon. Jaehyun just pushed into Yuta, letting everything happen at once. He slowly slid his hand into Yuta’s hair. 

Though it wasn’t exactly how he expected their first kiss to be, especially with the slightly uncomfortable position, he wasn’t going to complain, especially when Yuta’s lips were preoccupying his. Not to mention the fact that Yuta was an amazing kisser. It was a slow and intense kiss, but Jaehyun also felt the gentleness and soothingness of it easily. Jaehun could only fall into him. Yuta bit Jaehyun’s lips softly as Jaehyun slowly began to pull back, in need of the air that Yuta stole from him.

Jaehyun breathed out and leaned back into his seat, already feeling the drowsy and intoxicating effects of Yuta trap him. His lips already felt swollen, and Jaehyun softly ran over them with his fingers to assess the damage and process the events moments prior. He soon dropped his hands and looked towards Yuta who adored the most smug smirk. Although Yuta’s hair was a bit messier, he still was perfect while Jaehyun sat up straighter in his seat in order to look less disheveled. 

Jaehyun really doubted the other customers, who were primarily elderly folk, noticed them, but he was sure he didn’t really want to put on such an intimate display in a friendly breakfast establishment at nine in the morning.

“That direct enough for you, Dimple?”

Jaehyun slowly licked his lips, his brain still catching up. He nodded softly, with an almost sheepish expression. He let a few seconds pass before settling back down and trying his own cheeky grin. “Was it good?” He questioned, motioning to the milkshake.

*

The next day, Jaehyun stepped into practice slightly later than he normally would as he had been to busy making flashcards to study with Yuta later on. As soon as Jaehyun stepped in Ten narrowed his eyes and smelled the air, approaching Jaehyun and inspecting all of him very carefully. “I’m later than usual, I know, but I’m alright. Nothing interesting.” Ten didn’t listen to any of his words.

Ten only hummed until the answer came to him. “You two kissed, didn’t you?” Ten questioned intently.

Jaehyun blinked back away from Ten, but Ten was already grinning and looking at Doyoung with a wide smirk. “They kissed.” Ten gave a low chuckle and inspected closer.

“Hey! Back off a bit.” Jaehyun complained as Ten observed him. He also heard something along the lines of He didn’t deny it under Ten’s lips. Jaehyun felt his ears heat up.

“His lip is bitten! His lip is bitten! It is true, Doie!” Jaehyun watched as Ten excitedly turned to Doyoung, practically jumping. Jaehyun wondered how he had never noticed the two before. The freshman didn’t have time to think on that though, he was in the middle of a battle. It seemed Ten was one of the most difficult opponents. “Never knew Nakamoto was a lip biter!”

“I bite my lip when I’m nervous!” Jaehyun shouted as an excuse.

“No, you don’t. I would have noticed.” Ten contradicted his statement, and damn he was right. Ten turned back to the side and caught Yuta setting up the net. “Ah, there he is! Hello, Yuta! Nice to see you. The more you know!”

Yuta simply scoffed at Ten. 

The rest of the team began to enter throughout the next few minutes and Ten didn’t hesitate to tell everyone his discovery. He ran up to Taeyong and Johnny nearly hopping. “Did you know about those two! We knew they were up to something, but they’ve finally kissed!”

“Yes, I knew about it already.” Taeyong stated with Johnny nodding softly.

“What? Kun, Taeil, did you know about this?”

“Yes.”

“What? Mingyu? Dokyeom, Minghao?”

They all slowly nodded. “Sicheng?” A nod.

“How did you all know about the kiss before me!” Ten groaned and walked over to Doyoung, sighing and burying his head into Doyoung’s shoulder in annoyance. “Why are we always the odd ones out?”

Doyoung looked at Yuta before smiling. “I knew too.” He whispered to Ten. Every teammate grinned as they watched as Ten backed off from Doyoung like the plague with a disgusted expression.

“What? Traitor!” Ten shouted before repeatedly running at Doyoung and punching his shoulder in retaliation and a pout.

Jaehyun let out a soft chuckle and without his knowing, Yuta snuck up beside him and grabbed Jaehyun’s arm, slinging it over his own shoulders. Yuta smiled and Jaehyun returned the expression. 

“Alright, now, time to stretch!” Taeil shouted out to the team and on they went. And on they were. Time couldn’t stop them.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed please leave much feedback!


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